THIS TRUST. IN EVERY STEP.
7.24.2018
9.05.2017
9.02.2017
Rage
Hit hard. Forgiveness exists. Understanding takes work. Both sides.
Gaining perspective may be painful, self loathing can't triumph my desire to live uplifted.
Next time, can we just talk it out.
It's not my job to disappoint you.
Try less, be more.
& I will help myself with the help of those around me.
5.04.2017
"it's better to dwell in the wilderness, than with a contentious and angry woman."
truth.
true feelings,
untrue feelings...not possible.
that is. if you know your inner guide.
sitting with anger. move past it. breathe on it.
true feelings,
untrue feelings...not possible.
that is. if you know your inner guide.
sitting with anger. move past it. breathe on it.
4.23.2017
the dogs
finally rest next to my legs.
fight.
“Love does not consist in gazing at each other, but in looking outward together in the same direction.” ~ Antoine de Saint-Exupéry
CAKE.
Restrictions, Reality, Reason and Right.
fight.
“Love does not consist in gazing at each other, but in looking outward together in the same direction.” ~ Antoine de Saint-Exupéry
CAKE.
Restrictions, Reality, Reason and Right.
'Loving kindness can be practiced in several ways in our relationships. In cultivating relatedness with our circle of loved ones, meditating on loving kindness toward them can open our hearts and minds to seeing those we love for who they are and what they are experiencing (instead of seeing them for who we want them to be). This is such a liberating feeling—to see our loved ones in all their beauty and glory.
In difficult situations in our relationships, loving kindness can help us cultivate friendliness toward the difficult emotions that comes up for us. When we can take deep breaths and move closer to the emotion and away from reacting to the situation we begin to practice loving kindness toward ourselves and others. Giving ourselves and others the space to connect with our wisdom to act intentionally and lovingly.'
'If we can commit to practicing pausing before a conversation gets heated, if we can vow to take a deep breath and move closer to the emotion and its physical manifestation and disconnect from a potential heated discussion, we save ourselves mindless name calling and reinforcement of negative patterns of responding.'
'5. Communicate to enrich your life and that of others:
In pausing and practicing loving kindness and compassion we become aware of the need for communicating in a way that enriches our lives and that of others. Remember that this takes practice. When we move into mindfully relating with those we live and work we become aware of how our habitual patterns often bring us down and away from our goal of mindful communication.
Yet, practicing every day, gently and with utter kindness to ourselves and others can help us connect to our needs and how we can request that others meet them in ways that is mutually enriching to both parties.
The practice of bringing mindfulness to our relationship is a slow and beautiful process. It can cause us a lot of frustration and many battles with our egos.
In the end however, it is important to remember that our struggle with being mindful in our relationships comes from a desire to be loving in our relationships.'
(source: https://www.elephantjournal.com/2014/10/how-to-love-better-mindfulness-in-relationships/)
9.29.2016
i woke up
this morning, instantly thinking...thoughts rushing as if they'd been waiting overnight to get through and out into the world around me. as i went about my day they became dimmer and more far away. I am anxious is my internal world to get to the next place. Where things will finally be desirable. I know this is not the correct way of thinking, as far as keeping a calm mind goes. But, I do wait for the next. Today is Thursday, September 29th 2016...I have about $200 until tomorrow, in which I will have $580, that is....until I pay rent, also tomorrow which will leave me with $205. I leave for New York City in..one paycheck plus three days. Which will bring me up to...approximately $205+$380+$480+$288 (owed) which leaves me with about $1000 to bring with me which makes me feel relieved.
calm comes closer.
hard to define how i feel about things
slacking, but feeling it is necessary for me to get through this.
focus on movement, focus on health and wellbeing and taking care of myself first....but am i?
still putting myself through stressful, predictable situations.
need to surprise myself and challenge myself more. moving closer under the light of the healthy and in-tune. securing myself to my post, my rooted seat made of creativity, inspiration, kindness, honesty, wisdom and comfort.
when feeling the pull away from this seat, allow yourself to acknowledge the pull. give in, but stay strong and intact mentally.
bring that black hat.
i feel the poles guiding my compass. Still yourself and allow yourself to feel the pull. Which way.
calm comes closer.
hard to define how i feel about things
slacking, but feeling it is necessary for me to get through this.
focus on movement, focus on health and wellbeing and taking care of myself first....but am i?
still putting myself through stressful, predictable situations.
need to surprise myself and challenge myself more. moving closer under the light of the healthy and in-tune. securing myself to my post, my rooted seat made of creativity, inspiration, kindness, honesty, wisdom and comfort.
when feeling the pull away from this seat, allow yourself to acknowledge the pull. give in, but stay strong and intact mentally.
bring that black hat.
i feel the poles guiding my compass. Still yourself and allow yourself to feel the pull. Which way.
7.24.2016
Power of Attraction
digital dreamboard
created 2016 - projections for next 5 years
created 2016 - projections for next 5 years
Ω ≈
belly dancing
tricks
tai chi & qigong
Portland School of Astrology
reiki
feng shui
tarot knowledge
sell a piece of art
laugh more
oregon
learn to grow vegetables and whatever else!
outdoors play time, explore, travel freely
continue my yoga journey
no worries about money, keep steady income
*SURROUND MY SELF WITH NEW PEOPLE - BUILD MEANINGFUL, FUN AND EXCITING FRIENDSHIPS*
.
7.20.2015
i am afraid / that i am not learning fast enough; i can feel the universe expanding / and it feels like no one has ever tried hard enough; when i cried in your room /
it was the effect of an extremely distinct sensation that ‘i am the only person / alive,’ ‘i have not learned enough,’ and ‘i can feel the universe expanding / and making things be further apart / and it feels like a declarative sentence / whose message is that we must try harder
7.02.2015
like, so WEIRD
failure
success
arrangement
do not be afraid to fail.
feeling at home for the first time ever. home.
what the fuck.
remember to think of others often,
the people waiting to see you in the next couple days.
arrogance
7.01.2015
6.16.2015
everything's still connected.
well f*** it double f*** it.
http://elitedaily.com/life/culture/night-owls-creative-intelligent/686025/
dirty Floors, no AC, & a broken-ass foot.
5.25.2015
†††
you forget to project your ideal love in front of you, to serve as a reminder, but keep it there ALWAYS, always look through to that projection. Visualize your needs, your desires, your dreams and your goals. distractions can be allowed, just note that they ARE indeed there to distract you, but know deep down when your gut is speaking it is right, there is no changing it. THAT feeling IS.
on to the next one.
PROVE IT
he will
she will
on to the next one.
PROVE IT
he will
she will
5.24.2015
CHAOS
Chaos
"CHAOS NEVER DIED. Primordial uncarved block, sole worshipful monster, inert & spontaneous, more ultraviolet than any mythology (like the shadows before Babylon), the original undifferentiated oneness-of-being still radiates serene as the black pennants of Assassins, random & perpetually intoxicated.
Chaos comes before all principles of order & entropy, it's neither a god nor a maggot, its idiotic desires encompass & define every possible choreography, all meaningless aethers & phlogistons: its masks are crystallizations of its own facelessness, like clouds.
Everything in nature is perfectly real including consciousness, there's absolutely nothing to worry about. Not only have the chains of the Law been broken, they never existed; demons never guarded the stars, the Empire never got started, Eros never grew a beard.
No, listen, what happened was this: they lied to you, sold you ideas of good & evil, gave you distrust of your body & shame for your prophethood of chaos, invented words of disgust for your molecular love, mesmerized you with inattention, bored you with civilization & all its usurious emotions.
There is no becoming, no revolution, no struggle, no path; already you're the monarch of your own skin--your inviolable freedom waits to be completed only by the love of other monarchs: a politics of dream, urgent as the blueness of sky.
To shed all the illusory rights & hesitations of history demands the economy of some legendary Stone Age--shamans not priests, bards not lords, hunters not police, gatherers of paleolithic laziness, gentle as blood, going naked for a sign or painted as birds, poised on the wave of explicit presence, the clockless nowever.
Agents of chaos cast burning glances at anything or anyone capable of bearing witness to their condition, their fever of lux et voluptas. I am awake only in what I love & desire to the point of terror--everything else is just shrouded furniture, quotidian anaesthesia, shit-for-brains, sub-reptilian ennui of totalitarian regimes, banal censorship & useless pain.
Avatars of chaos act as spies, saboteurs, criminals of amour fou, neither selfless nor selfish, accessible as children, mannered as barbarians, chafed with obsessions, unemployed, sensually deranged, wolfangels, mirrors for contemplation, eyes like flowers, pirates of all signs & meanings.
Here we are crawling the cracks between walls of church state school & factory, all the paranoid monoliths. Cut off from the tribe by feral nostalgia we tunnel after lost words, imaginary bombs.
The last possible deed is that which defines perception itself, an invisible golden cord that connects us: illegal dancing in the courthouse corridors. If I were to kiss you here they'd call it an act of terrorism--so let's take our pistols to bed & wake up the city at midnight like drunken bandits celebrating with a fusillade, the message of the taste of chaos."
http://hermetic.com/bey/taz1.html
2.15.2015
2.08.2015
1.28.2015
1.07.2015
'I'm writing you an email because I lost my notebook. I got rid of that awful desk I've had forever. The one in the corner? I feel better. But now I have no work space and I'm losing it. I think 2015 will be my wine year if it hasn't happened already.
Is wine conducive or paralytic? I can't say. It gives me burst of creativity followed by a crash of depression followed by angry creativity followed by sleeping, mostly. And the urge to chain smoke.
I went in the backyard to smoke and looked up at the sky for a good, long while. All I could think about was how I've taken the Arizona sky for granted. Wish I had appreciated it while I was there. I'm happy I'm not though. I think that would be the end of my minimal sanity. I need a jumpstart.
Just wanted to say hi.
Forever spiraling,
Sisi'
Is wine conducive or paralytic? I can't say. It gives me burst of creativity followed by a crash of depression followed by angry creativity followed by sleeping, mostly. And the urge to chain smoke.
I went in the backyard to smoke and looked up at the sky for a good, long while. All I could think about was how I've taken the Arizona sky for granted. Wish I had appreciated it while I was there. I'm happy I'm not though. I think that would be the end of my minimal sanity. I need a jumpstart.
Just wanted to say hi.
Forever spiraling,
Sisi'
1.06.2015
1.02.2015
Crimson Chords
I came to my senses in the bathtub there, all violet and baby-pink (if only for a breif, but welcomed moment), influenced by literally all my surroundings, I choose which way to go.
Bones aching, but soaking in this salt. Petals waving, they're soaking in this tub.
Chin + Knees bruised, but Thank God I'm still tuff.
12.28.2014
12.25.2014
12.23.2014
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